I pray you never need this post but I also know that it is likely someone will. I know far too many families who have gone through the grief of losing a little one and there really aren't many resources to help people know what to expect during a miscarriage and how even in the midst of their grief they can make choices that will honor the dignity and reality of the hidden precious little person that they mourn. If you are reading this because you have had or are having a miscarriage, I am so very sorry. This post is primarily meant for those experiencing a loss before the age of viability - around 22 to 24 weeks, though many of the advice and words can apply beyond that.
Something that is personal to me is the way that we as individuals, as a Church, and as a society respond to miscarriage. If we believe what we say, that a unique human person is created at conception as science shows us, then the death of that person no matter how early, should be treated as such. Whether it is our own loss or someone close to us, being a people who value every human life means that when it comes to miscarriage we need to respond accordingly. I don't believe we will be taken seriously as a pro-life people until we adequately respond to those around us who are grieving their unborn children.
In a few days I will share my suggestions on how we can offer comfort to a family who is grieving the loss of an unborn child but for today I'd just like to focus on the couple experiencing a miscarriage themselves.
If You Are Having a Miscarriage:
There are several ways a miscarriage can happen. Sometimes a miscarriage in the very early weeks is quick. You had a positive pregnancy test and then a few days later begin to bleed. This is what is referred to as a chemical pregnancy. It is just as much a miscarriage as if it happened further along but unfortunately, it is treated as routine and there are no visible remains of the baby. Sadly, this can even happen without a mother's knowledge since it often occurs right around the time that she would be expecting her period. When a miscarriage happens further along, sometimes the bleeding or cramping begins first and indicates a problem. Other times it happens that at a routine ultrasound a couple is shocked to find that the baby has no heartbeat and passed away sometime before.
However it happens, it is wise to know what to expect beforehand since in the moment there is so much going on and it is such an emotional time. You do have choices during this time and while no one likes to think of something like this happening, it is good to be prepared on how you can handle it and the choices you can make to help you honor the life and dignity of your precious baby. I've heard so many women mourn the fact that they didn't know what to expect and regret how everything happened and wish they could have made different choices. Having even a small idea of how you would react if this happens to you will help you make choices that will not only bring you some comfort but also give your baby the respect and dignity that he or she deserves.
If You are Pregnant:
• Don't be afraid to share the news of your pregnancy, even if it is early. Now, I completely understand why some people do not, especially those who have little support or who have undergone the pain of multiple losses. However, if the unthinkable does happen, it can be a tremendous comfort that other people know. It would've felt so bizarre to me when our baby died if no one else knew of that little person we had lost. If I had to feel I had to hide that grief I think it would have added pain rather than being comforted by those who loved me and who also loved this baby. I felt that it recognized the baby's dignity to tell the world that this little person existed as well as gave me the freedom to withdraw and deal with my grief for a while. Again, this is a personal decision but I think it is a beautiful witness to life that even if tragedy occurs, we acknowledge the reality of our child to others.
Finding Out about a Miscarriage:
• If you are pregnant and begin spotting or cramping in the early weeks, call your midwife or doctor. Usually an ultrasound is ordered to figure out what is going on. If the ultrasound shows that the baby has no heartbeat, the doctor or midwife will tell you and they will estimate at what week the baby stopped growing. The bleeding is the beginning of you passing your baby. If there are no signs of dangerous hemorrhaging then you will hopefully be sent home to complete the miscarriage. If the baby is still alive, find out if they can see what is going on and find out what you can do if anything to help protect the life of your baby. Get home, rest, hydrate, pray, do as little as possible physically.
• Whether it was a routine ultrasound or ordered because of bleeding, make sure you have the ultrasound technician print a picture of your baby for you. This picture will be the only photograph you ever have of your baby. This shouldn't be a problem but I have heard a few stories of technicians denying this request because the baby has passed. This is unconscionable. If for some reason this happens, fight for that picture. Having even that one photograph of our baby displayed in our home has been such a comfort to me that he or she is part of our family and not forgotten.
• If you discover at a routine ultrasound that your baby has died, if at all possible, go home and wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally. This may take a days or weeks. As long as there is no sign of infection, you do have this as a healthy and valid choice. It is incredibly difficult but often it is a far preferable option to having the remains manually removed which I will discuss below.
The Miscarriage Labor:
• Often, if the passing of the baby begins on its own, it will feel like a mini labor. There will be cramping and intermittent contractions that grow in intensity until the baby, the yolk sac or placenta and the tissue are expelled from the uterus. It is likely there will be bleeding, possibly a lot, during all of this. It may seem weird now but in order to ensure that your baby's body does not get flushed and receives a dignified burial, use a bowl to catch anything that is passed. You may be able to see the baby's body which is a tremendous blessing but it may be too small or have already begun to break down and you may not recognize anything. Either way, you can still treat the remains with respect. For many reasons, I personally find it much preferable to have the process happen at home rather than at a hospital or doctor's office. Once this has happened the cramping should mostly subside and your bleeding should ease a bit. It's normal to bleed for a few days afterwards as long as it is not heavy. If you do notice any sign of extremely heavy bleeding, fever, or other signs of infection afterwards, please call your care provider or go to a hospital.
• If you go through the miscarriage at the hospital, know that they will likely have to take the baby's remains to pathology. You will have to undergo exams and questions and are vulnerable to the beliefs and moods of hospital staff who may or may not understand how difficult this is for you. If you do decide to go or if it is medically necessary, a Catholic hospital can be a really good choice. Most Catholic hospitals should recognize that the remains are yours and will turn them over to you several days later for burial if you desire and if they are legally allowed. This can be a frustrating process sometimes, especially in states where law requires that funeral director be involved to release the remains even for an early miscarriage. Some Catholic hospitals also provide a general burial place for the remains of babies within a diocesan cemetery for those who don't claim their baby's remains. Don't be afraid to ask questions. You may feel weird or uncomfortable but if it is possible, your baby deserves a decent burial.
• If the baby has died but the labor doesn't seem to be starting on its own, you will likely be offered medical intervention. Sometimes this is medically necessary. If this is the case, a pro-life doctor is invaluable during this time. The standard medical procedures for a miscarriage are a D&C (dilation and curettage) or a D&E (dilation and evacuation). Both of these are methods to remove the baby and tissue from your uterus surgically. The cervix is dilated and in a D&C the remains and the uterine lining are scraped out. In a D&E, the baby's body and uterine lining are suctioned out. In both these instances the remains are usually sent to pathology labs to ensure that everything was removed. While these should be under some form of anesthesia, they can still be painful procedures and you have the right to know that they run the risk of scarring your uterus or cervix which can cause complications in future pregnancies or births. There are also now medications offered in some places that can begin the birth process for you at home if the baby is known to have died but the body has not started the process on its own.
IF you decide to go this route, PLEASE make sure that you have at least one more detailed ultrasound and are absolutely one hundred percent certain that the baby has died. There are instances where this can literally save a life. One woman I know was pregnant and an early ultrasound showed no heartbeat. Because she used NFP, she was convinced that her conception date was later than what the date produced by the doctor's office chart based on her last menstrual period since her cycles were not 28 days long. The doctor encouraged her to get a D&C and thank God she refused and decided to wait it out because she was right. Her baby was too little to show a heartbeat and she had a healthy baby boy nine months later. If she had listened to the advice of the doctor, they would have aborted her baby. I certainly don't share this to give false hope during an already vulnerable time but I feel I must if I have even the smallest chance of preventing a tragedy like that. If you choose a D&C or D&E please be absolutely certain that the baby has died.
•After your miscarriage, you may still feel pregnant for several weeks. It feels cruel but it sometimes takes a while for the HcG to be out of your system.
The Remains of the Baby:
• One of the corporal works of mercy for Christians is burying the dead and this extends to our unborn children as well. If you have the body of your baby you have several choices. You can buy or build a simple wooden casket for the baby's body. This doesn't have to be fancy or even a "real" casket. When our baby died, my husband built a simple wooden box. Please know that unless the baby's body is refrigerated in between the time of the labor and the burial, it will start to break down.
• If the hospital has the remains, arrange to pick them up unless you have a Catholic hospital that will be burying the remains for you and you prefer that.
• It is possible to have a funeral Mass offered for your child. Our priest was a blessing in that he held the funeral for our baby and then also said the prayers by the graveside in the cemetery behind the church. Call your priest and ask to schedule something. The priest may also offer a special blessing for the parents after a miscarriage.
• You may bury the baby at a cemetery or simply in a special spot in your yard. Many Catholic dioceses have a place in one of their cemeteries set aside for unborn and stillborn children to be used by grieving families, sometimes even free of charge. This is a wonderful option, however you often will not be able to place a marker and the baby is buried with other little ones who have died. We chose to buy a plot at our parish cemetery as well as a small tombstone so that we could have a special place for our little one.
Acknowledging the Reality of Your Baby:
•Name your baby no matter what age they died. It is so comforting to know that your baby has a name and to be able to ask that baby's intercession for your family. It is also helpful for siblings to have a name to connect with their brother or sister in heaven and to ask for their prayers. You can even do this if it has been years since you lost your baby.
•If you do have other children, talk about their sibling. They have a right to know about their sibling and if they need, to grieve that person as well.
(Weird I know, but hey, at five years old that's how he wanted to show his little sibling in heaven his love.)
• Allow yourself time to grieve. A miscarriage is a big deal. It's not just a lost dream or an unfortunate health issue. It is the death of your child and you deserve to mourn it as such. It's okay and right to be sad. It's okay and right to take a while. It's okay and right to not feel like yourself for months or even years. You will heal but you will never forget your child. The rawness will likely wear off (and that's okay and right, too) but it's okay to feel like there is always someone missing.
• Don't be afraid to talk about your baby and accept help from those who love you.
• Allow yourself time to heal physically. Depending on the circumstances surrounding the death, you also need to remember that your body may need time to heal. Give yourself time to rest, make sure you stay hydrated, and take care of your health. Some women bounce back right away but others may take several weeks to feel normal physically. Give yourself room for that.
• Add your child's name to The Book of Life at The Church of the Holy Innocents in New York. A perpetual candle is lit in honor of these children and Mass is offered for them on the first Monday of every month.
•Have a Mass said for them at your own parish.
•Contact the Respect Life office in your diocese to find out if they offer special Masses for grieving parents.
• There are also countless small ways to remember your child that are still very comforting:
-Hang a Christmas ornament or hang a stocking in their memory.
-Display their ultrasound picture in your home.
-Keep any mementos of your child such as the ultrasound picture, the positive pregnancy test, or cards in a special box.
-Plant a tree or flower in their memory.
-Participate in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.
-If you feel called, share about your experience with others.
-Make a donation in their memory to a crisis pregnancy center, your parish, or any charity that is personal to your family.
I know many people reading this have gone through the grief of losing a baby. Would you add or change anything I've written? Was your experience different or do you have suggestions on more ways that a couple can handle miscarriage from a Christian perspective? What do you wish you would have known or what would you change?
Other Resources:
One of my favorite posts on this topic is from Melody here. If you would like further reading on handling miscarriage, I highly recommend it as well as her other posts on pregnancy loss. Some other wonderful links:
Lost Innocents A tremendous resource for anyone experiencing a miscarriage
I would add that you can have your baby remembered at the Shrine of the Holy Innocents in New York. They will put your baby's name in their Book of Life and they offer Mass for these babies every 1st Monday of the month. I did this for both of my babies that died in utero and find it extremely comforting. For more information you can check out their website http://www.innocents.com/shrine.asp
ReplyDeleteAh, thank you! I was looking for that link but the only one I could find was a different one that had been discontinued. I'll add that to the post! i'm so sorry for the loss of your babies, Siné.
DeleteA website that may be helpful is: http://lostinnocentsorthodox.blogspot.com/ It is from an Orthodox Christian perspective, but nearly all of it is applicable to Catholics as well, other than the specifics of the liturgics.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for that link! It looks like a great resource.
DeleteThank you for this. Our miscarriage was surprisingly complicated, but I wanted to share so others don't feel alone. We found out that our baby had never developed at our 8 week ultrasound (we had one ultrasound after a ectopic scare at 5.5 but it didn't show much). Blighted Ovum can be a complicated type of miscarriage, because even though the gestational sac, etc. might form the baby never does. Our GS was completely empty. It is still hard for me to even consider it to have had a body, since no discernible body ever formed. Blighted Ovum often takes longer to MC and the body has a hard time recognizing what's going on. It took another week for natural miscarriage to start and then after 2 weeks, with cramping, clot passing, etc. I still had to go in for a D&C because there was tissue (nothing definitive, just various tissue) still receiving a lot of blood flow and I was still bleed bright red after almost 3 weeks. After that it took another 3 weeks after the procedure for my HcG to zero out completely. We've named our baby and grieved him though I find myself wishing that I had either MC'd earlier or later so that I could feel less stuck in the middle of the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteOh Molly, I'm so so sorry. That sounds so hard. I wish I could give you a hug right now. No matter whether that baby lived just a few days or whether he or she had lived to old age, they were still just as important. And thank you for adding that about blighted ovum. God bless you for going through all that for your little one and may you get to meet face to face in heaven some day!
DeleteThank you so much, just wanted to add that I received Karen Edminston's book "After Miscarriage" from a friend while I was going thru all of that this summer and it was a great help. There was a particular part about a father reflecting on changing to live a better, Christian life in the hopes that he will be worthy to meet his child in Heaven. That essay of all of them really stuck with me. p.s. if Wednesday shows us what we're hoping we'll be welcoming a new baby around the time of our 1 year MC anniversary. God is good.
DeleteI second the recommendation for Karen Edminston's book. It helped me so much when I lost my daughter at twenty weeks. Peter Kreeft's "Making Sense of Suffering" also helped me tremendously.
DeleteAnd Molly you just sent me off crying with your wonderful news! I am so happy for you. Truly.
Thank you for the recommendation! I never read that one but I've heard many people say it was really helpful. And oh Molly, how exciting!! Praying for you! Our son happened to be baptized one year after the date the ultrasound said that our Joseph Mary died and that was really special to me. It's so amazing how God can take a horrible tragedy and bring something (someONE!) so beautiful out of it.
DeleteThank you for your prayers - but we now know we have a second saint in heaven.
DeleteOh, Molly. I'm so sorry. So so sorry. My heart is hurting for you. Praying for you and your family.
DeleteThis is wonderful! Thank you for writing it! So badly needed in this culture of throw away babies.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Melody. And thank you for all you've written on it. I know it's helped so many.
DeleteMary, Catholics experiencing miscarriage should definitely reach out to their clergy, as well as ask about resources from their Catholic hospital. We have a local charitable organization called Back in His Arms Again and they support families of miscarried or stillborn babies, helping families bury, remember, and memorialize their babies. They will help parents at their most intimate and emotional moments, and will help to make sure they have all the guidance they need. There are similar organizations across the country, but parents will have to ask. Many of these services are available at no cost.
ReplyDeleteThat is great to have that resource, Barb! I know our Catholic hospital system has something similar but it is more directed to stillborn and newborn deaths. I'm glad we at least have that, though.
DeleteI also had two miscarriages and the first was a Blighted Ovum and I had to have a D&C. It happened at 10 weeks. It was rough. I miscarried my second earlier - 6/7 weeks. To be honest, my local parish/priest/faith community/diocese was not very helpful. I've tried to get the word out like you have here and have hit roadblocks time and time again. My priest even said when I went to him with ideas and info for starting up some sort of pre-born loss ministry: "Why do you want to talk about this?" Getting info out in our diocesan newspaper has been equally as hard. I managed to get one article in because I had a staff person who was sympathetic to it and felt it important. I've rather given up. I don't understand why abortion is often "the only" thing that will get recognition. I get that it's political, but if we as a Church don't start to take miscarriage and stillbirth to heart and begin to publicly recognize these babies and parents and act like they even ARE parents (if no other children have been born alive) then abortion will never be "defeated". I have managed to get included in our bulletin every All Saint's Day weekend listed alongside all the other people that have died in the past year in our parish mention of all the unborn babies that have died in the parish in the last year. They also get a candle lit in their remembrance along with each of the other deceased people. Even THAT took doing! I don't get it, frankly. Makes no sense. People often don't even know they can pray to their baby in heaven (in our faith we have the hope that they are in heaven) and ask for his/her intercessions for us here on Earth. We can name them and give them a "real life" - unlike the culture who doesn't even recognize them as persons. I can't begin to tell you the "crazy" things that people have said to me over the years and said to me at the time of the miscarriages. Education is needed - even among our own faith communities.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post - it will help in the efforts to give our babies REAL existence and that we have REAL GRIEF AND LOSS...
Oh Krista, I am so so sorry for your loss. And I'm so frustrated and saddened that you've gotten so little support from your parish. How can they not understand??? God bless you for your efforts. Hopefully, you've planted some seeds that will bear fruit. I think things are slowly changing thanks to the efforts of people like you and I hope this little post can be a part of it.
DeleteThanks so much for writing about this Mary. There is so little information out there like this. I had a miscarriage and went the D & C route because of my fear of the pain I was having. We found out at an 8 week ultrasound that our baby died around 6 weeks. We were sent home to wait it out, and I was still waiting 2 weeks later. I was expecting menstrual type cramps but when the cramping started it felt more like labor pains and it really scared me! I was a stay at home mom to two little ones and I was worried about whether I could go through this by myself, at home, and take care of them also. The cramping stopped and they got me in for a D&C two days later. I think there would have been less fear had I known what to expect. Also, I didn't know I could ask the hospital for the remains. That two week delay was really difficult, I pretty much stayed home because I didn't know when the bleeding would start. My husband and I found ourselves grieving differently, he started his grieving process as soon as we found out. But I found that I couldn't start my grieving process while I was still carrying the body of our child. I didn't start my process until after the D&C, which was difficult for my husband to understand. We found ourselves grieving separately at a time when we should have been supporting each other.
ReplyDeleteI continued to experience morning sickness and other early pregnancy symptoms for a week or two after my miscarriage. Those things are triggered by the pregnancy hormones, and it takes time for your body to adjust to the fact you are no longer pregnant. It felt like a cruel irony to still be sick even though my baby was gone. And I double your advice to please, please have a second ultrasound. I have a friend who had an ultrasound where they discovered no heartbeat in the baby and her doctor recommended a D&C. When she was still pregnant a few weeks later they did another ultrasound and discovered a second baby! She had been pregnant with twins, one of which had died, vanishing twin syndrome. Had she gone through with the D&C she would have lost both of them.
One last thing I found really helpful...a woman at my church gave me a book written for moms who have lost babies. She herself had went through two early miscarriages and then lost twin sons right before they were born. The book she gave me is "Mommy Please Don't Cry" by Linda Deymaz. It was even signed by the author! I still treasure that book as a physical reminder that my child was real, had a brief life here on earth and continues to have a life in heaven. And I am blessed and honored to have been chosen to be his or her mother.
Oh Amy, this brings tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss and everything you went through. I know some women have found it comforting to have that time before the miscarriage started to say goodbye to their babies but I suppose every woman's experience is so different. How hard being in a different stage of grief than your husband.
DeleteAnd I totally forgot to add that about the hormones still being there! (I just did!) It does seem so cruel. Do you know I took several pregnancy tests during those weeks afterwards because I was trying to convince myself that there was a twin who had survived? I just couldn't believe that it was just over, you know?
That is incredibly scary about the friend!! I'm so glad you shared that because it is so important. I cannot believe it is not standard protocol to check at least two or three more times before the D&C. But I guess part of me does believe it because to so many doctors, this is just another day at the office. Yet another reminder to question everything when it comes to medical advice.
How can I find out where I can bury my baby for free? We're currently going through such great anxiety about finding a resting place for our little one. The local cemeteries are not Catholic and charge more than we can pay for plots. I just want so badly to bury the remains so we can start healing.
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry, Mandi. Does your diocese have any cemeteries or a cemetery office? Sometimes they are part of the diocesan offices but here they actually have a separate website and everything. I would start there and if they don't have a department just for the cemeteries, try the Respect Life office. I was told that every U.S. diocese has a place set apart for this purpose. If you cannot get help there, ask your priest. I know many families who have buried the remains on their own property (some people even plant something special over the spot) or if your priest is super compassionate, he may allow you to bury the baby somewhere on parish grounds? I wonder if even the Protestant or secular cemeteries would be worth asking to see if they have an option like this... Does that help? I'll be praying you can find a good place.
DeleteMy husband emailed our priest and I hope we'll hear back soon. The local cemeteries all charge for plots, even in the "baby area". Most wouldn't say how much, just that we can schedule I time to "sit down and discuss it" (sounds expensive). The only Catholic cemetery I know of, I was told about in my calls to many funeral homes. It's about an hour away and the website says that it charges $200 for baby plots and another $150 for grave opening. That would be a burden for us, but we'll do it if we have to. We live in a rented townhouse, so burying here isn't an option. I'd really like our little one to be in a cemetery anyway.
DeleteI didn't even think about the rental issue for most people, I'm sorry! Please let me know (email if you want) what your priest says. We did have to buy the plot since we opted for a separate spot at our parish rather than the general free spot that was in a cemetery further away. However, the grave opening costs were still waived which was very thoughtful. This was in the Archdiocese of Chicago. I'm sure each diocese has different rules about it all. I'm praying you can find the right spot and that you find a compassionate response.
DeleteMary, who told you there was a place set aside in every parish? Is there a general resource where I can find this information? I have no idea who to call in the diocese. The cemetery contacted me back and it will indeed be $350 and that's without a stone (I'm not even sure if they require a stone or if we could just have an unmarked spot). Plus, we need to buy a casket. I'm sorry, I know that you aren't the resource to go to on this, but you are the only person that I've ever heard mention this. When I try to look it up, the Archdiocese of Chicago's website is one of the only ones that comes up so maybe it's just your diocese?
DeleteI meant every diocese, not parish.
DeleteLet's see, it was a while ago but if I remember right it was the people from the Catholic cemetery. I think. They said it was a requirement of every Catholic diocese by the U.S. bishops? We don't live there anymore, though. I'll see if I can find anything out and email you.
DeleteMandi, please also see if your area has a Catholic Social Services, or a Catholic Foundation. Your diocesan office can give you numbers if you can't find them. Funding should be available through one or the other, if not through your own parish.
DeletePS Also, if you know of a Catholic funeral home (check your parish bulletin for a name) they also do many infant burials for almost no cost (yes, even miscarried babies).
DeleteI was wondering on a level of 1-10 how physically painful is a miscarriage compared to labour. I am only 8 weeks along with this pregnancy and haven't seen an ultrasound yet so i keep wondering if everything is ok. Miscarriage is on my mind a lot with this pregnancy. I just wonder if it feels physically the same as actual labour of a 9 month baby.
ReplyDeleteI have been reading on home miscarriage on other sites too and just feel that a hospital one would be better for me due to complications that my body has. I was just thinking at a hospital wouldn't it be possible to do a genetic analysis to see if there was a definative cause? The 2 losses I have had I never fully knew the reason and so for me I would want to know if there was a reason. Plus I would want to definitively know if it is a boy or girl--wouldn't you be able to tell that in a hospital analysis ?
anyway--I have my babies name in the Book of Life as well, I honor their saints name days and I honor them on the Feast of the Holy Innocents.
the lady isn't catholic but there is a website called "Names in the Sand" of this Australian lady who writes babies names in the sand at sunset and then photographs it. She charges for it but her photography is pretty. It would make a nice gift.
It definitely doesn't feel the same as a normal labor when it's early on, at least in my limited experience. I guess if nine month labor is a 10, then what I experienced during my miscarriage would be a 4? It was like a mini labor in the sense that there were contractions that intensified until I passed the baby and then the tiny afterbirth and then the pain was pretty much over. Labor at nine months was far more intense and painful, though. Normally, the farther along you are if your baby dies, the harder it is physically.
DeleteI'll definitely be praying for you. I'm sorry you're so anxious and I wish you peace and that your baby is perfectly healthy and growing in there. Please let me know how things go.
From what I understand there is sometimes the possibility for genetic tests on the baby's body and the couple has to decide if the pros of that outweigh the cons of surrendering your baby's body to that. My sister did have her miscarriage at home but brought the remains in to the hospital afterward so there is that option, too. I think it depends on the age of the baby and what remains they have to work with that determines whether they can tell gender but I'm not 100% sure on that.
Thank you so much for your comments and again, I'm so sorry for the loss of your babies. May you be blessed with a healthy baby and pregnancy with this precious little one.
As a Catholic, mother and physician who has had two miscarriages in the past year, I had been expecting to find solace and hope on this day remembering infant loss. Instead, I leave feeling dismayed at the condescension toward the medical community and judgment for our decision to have a D&C instead of waiting days/weeks for my child to be delivered on her own.
ReplyDeleteFor those who are in a similar position, your loss is just as honorable and sorrowful whether completed at that hands of a caring provider in health care setting or in the silence of your home.
-Laura
Oh goodness, Laura, I'm so so sorry you felt this way and I'm so very sorry for the loss of your babies. Every mother has the right to all the information she needs to make the decision that is right in her circumstance. That was all I was hoping to accomplish. There are definitely instances where being at the hospital is in the best interest of the mother! Unfortunately, many women don't get accurate information and I've heard countless stories of women being pressured into decisions they later regret. I'm grateful you had a caring provider and were hopefully treated well. May your two precious saints be praying for you and your family.
DeleteHi- I am so thankful I stumbled across your website last night as I was searching for scripture about miscarriages. We had our 9 week ultrasound yesterday, and the baby is only measuring about 6 1/2 weeks (which just isn't possible according to my charting.) The doctor could only detect a tiny fluttering which may or may not have been the heartbeat, so I am feeling very heartbroken because I feel I know the outcome. We go back on Monday, but I'm not expecting good news. I am also feeling so guilty right now because I didn't feel excited about this baby at first--I was totally shocked, and not prepared, and not ready yet since our son was only 10 1/2 months old when we found out I was pregnant. But once the shock wore off I was so excited and happy! Now I'm just clinging to the little bit of hope I have left, praying, and waiting until Monday... Thank you for everything you put into this site, and I look forward to coming here for happier reasons in the future! -Leianna
ReplyDeleteOh, what a rollercoaster. I will be praying for you, Leianna. I'm no ultrasound expert but I've never heard of fluttering being anything but a heartbeat. I will hope and pray for you. May your little one be either experiencing eternal joy in heaven or safe in your womb.
DeleteI found this Catholic website extremely helpful, especially the physical information under the "practical" tab that explained the process step by step to help me understand what was happening. http://www.catholicmiscarriagesupport.com/ I would add have a bottle of holy water nearby to baptize or do a conditional baptism.
ReplyDeleteGreat tip, thank you so much!
DeleteHi, great information about miscarriage. I lost my baby 2 years ago at 12 weeks. I wanted to add to the physical things about miscarriage, I took the pills that start the labor, my baby didn't have a heart beat anymore and my dr didn't want to do a D&C. Might be something to add as an option for miscarriage. Basically you insert 3 pills into you and it puts your body into labor. In the abortion world it's a medical abortion.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so open about miscarriage.
Hello Mary, I have been reading your blog for a few years and recently I turned to your posts about miscarriage--I recently lost our 3rd baby. I experienced bleeding at 7.5 weeks that kept getting heavier. I had 4 ultrasounds over 2.5 weeks to see if the baby was developing and it never did. I continued to bleed the entire time and it started to become a risk of infection. I wanted to add my experience of a d&c...especially because you seem to advocate for a natural miscarriage. Unfortunately that might not be an option for all (or if it is an option, it might be risky because of infection and prolonged bleeding).
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I had to go to labor and delivery--and I was put in a delivery room, which I was emotionally unprepared for because it was the place I had my previous 2 kids. That was the only part I wish I could have changed, but in hindsight it was a good thing, because the entire time they were acknowledging that I lost a baby. And it was a very real loss. The hospital (which is a catholic hospital in Michigan) also gave me the options of what to do with my baby's remains--I could take them home and arrange with a funeral home or I could have a graveside memorial service in the hospital's memorial garden. After the procedure they also had me recover in my own room rather than in the recovery area because there was another mom who had a c-section and my privacy/emotions were important to the staff. Every single staff member from the nurse, OB,midwives, and anesthesiology acknowledged my loss and said they were sorry. I was so nervous, but in a way it was a healing and validating experience.
I just wanted to add this experience in case anyone was going through this and was nervous about being unable to have a natural miscarriage at home.
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your baby, Liz. Yes, there are definitely times when a miscarriage should be completed in a hospital and I hope my post was clear about that. I'm so glad you and your baby were treated with such respect and love. Praise God for that and may that little saint of yours now be praying for his or her family here on earth.
DeleteI'm not sure if this has been mentioned, but I found heavensgain.com to be a great resource when I experienced a miscarriage. Thank you for this post!
ReplyDeleteI need prayer I resently misscarried at 3 months in my pregnancy cause of coved it been hard on me cause I been sick and cant sleep me and my husband need prayers please
ReplyDeleteMay Christ Jesus bring both of you His supernatural peace and comfort during this terrible grief. I am so very sorry for your loss. I will pray for you tonight.
DeleteThe regret is real now! ��
ReplyDeleteI wanted so bad to have another ultrasound after we went in for our second ultrasound with twins RECENTLY. We were told there is no longer two babies (vanishing twin) and that the one baby has passed. I was scheduled for a D&C 2 days later. I have never been in this situation before so I didn't know that I could ask for another ultrasound or more so I felt wrong if I asked because the doctors know what they are doing. Part of me kept saying to myself "God makes miracles happen everyday ask to check again!" Over and over I said that to myself. Another part of me felt wrong to ask. So I didn't ask, and now, I'm here with this pain of regret wondering if my decision was wrong. If MY decision actually took my baby from our family. We need all the prayers we can get right now. ����
I'm so very very sorry for your loss. Our God makes all things new and I will pray for your peace and consolation in working through all of this. It's helpful for me in my own life and working through things in the past to remember that I made the best decision I could with the information I had and in the mental/emotional state I was at the time. I'm so very sorry you felt like you couldn't speak up and share your concerns with the doctors or feel heard or validated in your intuition. Your providers should be providing an atmosphere of complete safety and respect where you feel heard and comfortable asking any question that you need to and with any decision that is made. They should be offering all the information necessary to help you feel at peace in making these extremely difficult decisions so please don't take on any extra guilt. There is an very high probability that the ultrasound was correct. I offered my Eucharist today for you and for certainty and peace and will continue to pray for you.
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